If you live with ADHD, as I do, you might know the feeling of emotions hitting like a fast-moving train. They’re powerful, urgent and often difficult to stop when they’re in motion.

Frustration, excitement or overwhelm can appear out of nowhere and, before you know it, words have left your mouth or decisions have been made that you didn’t plan and are impossible to reverse.

Growing up, I found that reacting came more naturally to me as I have a brain that is wired for speed, emotion and intensity. Responding was foreign and took a lot of practice to put in place. I haven’t mastered it but I have learned to recognise the patterns of when reacting may take place and how to steer the train rather than derail it!

Reacting

I used to be very defensive when criticised and would snap back with a comment or sarcasm – a perfect example of reacting.

If I was involved in a stressful situation, albeit at work or at home, I would speak without thinking and would often offend or hurt people – unintentionally.

When I took time to think about my actions I would feel regret and shame. I could apologise, and try to compensate in some way, but it wasn’t the same and it took time to build the trust back up again – if at all.

Reacting is often an immediate, automatic action driven by emotions or impulses. When we react, we’re not fully processing the situation; instead,

we’re responding based on our initial emotional response. Reactions are usually quick and they don’t involve much thought. They’re often instinctive and can sometimes lead to regret or unintended consequences, particularly when ADHD is added to the mix.

I needed to learn how to respond in a way that reflected who I wanted to be, not just how I felt in the moment. Actions that bought me peace instead of regret.

Responding

Responding involves a pause and deliberate thought before acting, something that I didn’t think I would be able to do. My impulsiveness was a prominent part of my ADHD diagnosis and responding instead of reacting wasn’t something that came naturally to me.

The ultimate goal, in my eyes, was to be able to respond with intention. I wanted to learn how to handle situations better and be able to achieve what I wanted to communicate in a positive and thoughtful way.

I had seen work colleagues respond to criticism without anger or being defensive and was impressed with how they spoke with consideration; whilst getting their point across effectively.

I honestly didn’t think I would be able to manage this approach. I recall being offered some friendly advice, about a project I was leading, and whilst I heard them speaking all I was thinking about was what I was going to say to deflect every bit of advice they gave.

As a result, it wasn’t a productive interaction for either of us. I wasn’t prepared to listen, I felt that they were ‘nit-picking’ and ‘micro-managing’ me. Upon reflection, many years later, it was constructive criticism aimed at helping me grow in my role.

Why responding vs reacting matters

The difference between reacting and responding can have a big impact on daily life, especially for those with ADHD. When we react impulsively, it can lead to misunderstandings, regrets or unintended consequences.

Responding, on the other hand, gives us a chance to consider our values and desired outcomes, leading to more constructive interactions and better emotional and mental health.

 

Here are some strategies I have learned to move from reacting to responding:

Pause and breathe: When faced with a triggering situation I learned that the part of the brain that supports emotional responses – the Amygdala – often kicks in before the pre-frontal cortex (PFC). The PFC is where our Executive Functions live and supports, amongst other areas, our reasoning, planning and decision making.

In essence, the PCF doesn’t have time to think about how manage emotions as the Amygdala is already sending signals to our nervous system to get into ‘Fight, Flight or Freeze’ mode. When faced with this situation I take a moment to pause. I take in a deep breath through my nose, hold it for 3-5 seconds then release out through my mouth. This works by giving my PCF time to catch up and think clearly so I can respond thoughtfully. (I haven’t forgotten ‘fawning’ but that’s for another blog!)

Recognising the impulse to react: I decided to give my tendency to impulsively react a name – ‘Storm’. I would state, out loud;

“I’m climbing crisis mountain, bad weather is heading in.’

By acknowledging and noticing the difference between reacting and responding I was giving myself time to pause, breathe and respond intentionally. It doesn’t work every time but nowadays, more often than not, I’m successful.

Reflect on goals: Inevitably, if I had reacted it would impact my current goals and/or relationships. By using the above steps of breathing and

recognising what was happening I was able to conduct a quick self-check to guide me toward a response that supported my long-term intentions.

Practise mindful awareness: I discovered, quite quickly, that mindfulness was going to be a huge challenge for my busy brain. I remember taking part in a class and the instructor asked the class to;

“Let all the thoughts leave your mind.”

Well, twenty or so left and fifty or more took their place! It was challenging. However, I found the key to mindfulness was using guided meditations where I was taken on a journey and my mind could try and visualise the words being said.

If my mind and body is too busy for sitting and listening then taking walks in nature, leaving all tech at home, and noticing the scenery and listening to the sounds helps me de-stress and relax whilst contemplating and reflecting on the day.

Doodling, colouring even dancing in the lounge (whilst no-one was watching as I have no rhythm!) All of these activities can help me to increase awareness of thoughts and emotions, making it easier to respond rather than react. Even a few minutes daily can make a difference.

T.H.I.N.K: I discovered the THINK acronym a few years ago and I’ve kept a copy on my office wall as a reminder of how valuable it can be.

THINK acts as a mental pause button, something to help quickly run through when emotions or impulses start to take over. As someone with a brain that often responds first and processes later, it is invaluable.

It helps me to slow down the reaction loop and bring the PCF back online.

Is it true?

Pausing to check the facts stops me from reacting based on assumptions or emotional intensity. My ADHD brain can jump to conclusions quickly so therefore asking “Is this really true?” re-anchors me in reality.

Is it helpful?

This shifts the focus from immediate emotion to long-term, future goals. Is what I’m about to say or do going to move me forward or create more stress later?

Is it inspiring (or important)?

This step reconnects behaviour with personal values. ADHD impulsivity often follows dopamine, not intention, so checking if what I’m going to say or do is going to inspire or is important helps prioritise meaningful action.

Is it necessary?

Impulsive actions can clutter my time and energy. Asking myself “Is this necessary?” cuts through the noise and ensures my responses are purposeful.

Is it kind?

Finally, kindness softens the reactivity, whether it’s aimed at myself or other people. It invites compassion into my life instead of shame. This is vital for ADHD brains that already battle self-criticism.

By running through THINK, even briefly, it’s possible to create a mindful pause providing valuable time to shift from reactive (emotion-driven) to responsive (value-driven). It transforms that split-second decision from “I just said it” to “I chose how to say it.”

STARR Method

I was introduced to the STARR method by a life coach who explained that before the addition of the extra ‘R’ at the end, the ‘STAR’ method was originally used as an interviewing technique devised by William C Byham (1974). It stood for ‘Situation, Task, Action and Result’ and was implemented to help candidates respond to interview questions effectively.

The STARR method was adapted over the years and used as a structured approach designed to help people reflect on their actions; Situation, Think, Act, Respond, Reflect.

As I explained earlier, I have historical challenges with being criticised for my actions and inactions, emotional dysregulation and low self-esteem. If I was asked to ‘reflect’ my brain would default to over-analysing, negative self-talk and shame spirals. Therefore, reflection was a risk of rumination and negative self-talk- not growth.

However, somewhere in the timeline a clever individual realised that rewards aren’t just nice, they’re neurologically essential, as the ADHD brain is more motivated by immediate, tangible or emotional rewards rather than abstract outcomes.

Replacing ‘reflect’ with ‘reward’ helps shift focus to what went well, even in the smallest of ways which helps to build confidence, anchor new behaviours and boost the chances of repeating positive behaviour. I could resonate with this simple change and as dopamine, the motivation molecule, is stimulated by reward it made sense that it would support my ADHD brain.

The STARR method provides a clear, step-by-step way to move from impulsive reactions to intentional responses, supporting better decision-making and self-regulation. Here’s how each step works and why it’s beneficial for people with ADHD:

Situation

What it is: This step involves identifying and observing the situation you’re in. It’s about recognising that something is happening that might trigger a strong emotional or impulsive response.

How it helps ADHD: People with ADHD can sometimes act before they fully understand a situation due to their impulsivity. Pausing to acknowledge the situation creates a brief moment of awareness that helps prevent immediate reactions. It brings the brain’s attention to the present moment, which is often challenging for individuals with ADHD.

Think

What it is: This step encourages you to pause and consider your initial thoughts and feelings about the situation. You’re asking yourself questions like, “How do I feel right now?” or “What are my options?”

How it helps ADHD: ADHD often comes with emotional dysregulation, meaning emotions can feel intense and overwhelming. Taking a moment to think creates a mental space, where you can recognise your feelings without letting them dictate your actions, and can prevent impulsive behaviour by giving you time to weigh your choices and consider the consequences.

Act

What it is: Here, you choose a specific action based on your reflection. This action should ideally be aligned with your goals or desired outcomes.

How it helps ADHD: ADHD often affects executive functioning, which includes planning and decision-making. By breaking down the decision-making process into a clear step (acting only after thinking), this method strengthens intentional behaviour over impulse-driven actions. Having a clear, defined action reduces overwhelm and makes it easier to follow through.

Respond

What it is: After acting, responding involves following through in a way that reflects your decision and intentions. This can involve communicating your choice or explaining your actions, especially if it’s a social situation.

How it helps ADHD: The respond step reinforces that there’s a structured approach to handling situations rather than relying on automatic reactions. This can also build self-confidence, as it helps individuals with ADHD feel more in control of their interactions. By focusing on intentional responses, people with ADHD can reduce misunderstandings and strengthen relationships.

Reward

What it is: This step encourages acknowledging or rewarding yourself for following through with the STARR method, especially if you’ve successfully managed a reaction that could have otherwise been impulsive. Rewards can be as simple as a positive acknowledgment or a small treat.

How it helps ADHD: ADHD brains are often driven by reward-based motivation. When you reinforce positive behaviour with a reward, it activates the brain’s reward system, which can encourage similar behaviours in the future. Celebrating even small wins helps make the process more satisfying and builds self-esteem over time.

Why the STARR Method Works for ADHD

For me, structure is something I have had to learn to embrace. My ADHD brain thrives on spontaneity and energy but that can also mean I react before I’ve had a chance to think things through. The STARR method has helped me to slow down and create space between feeling (Storm) and action.

When I use the STARR method I am less likely to get swept away by emotion or impulse. It helps me pause, consider what’s really happening and choose how I want to respond.

The final ‘R’ – Reward – is my favourite part. It reminds me to celebrate the effort I’ve put into responding, not just the outcome. Whether it’s deep breathing, a walk in the park or doodling on scrap paper, acknowledging that I handled something better, than I may have done previously, provides my brain with a dopamine boost to keep me motivated enough to keep on trying to improve.

STARR has helped me feel more in control in a small, practical way that helps me turn impulsive moments into opportunities for growth and self-compassion.

Neurodivergence doesn’t come with instructions. Trying new strategies and methods is often the only way to discover what truly works for your brain. Some days the pause will come easily; other days the reaction will win.

What matters is the awareness, the willingness to try again and the self-compassion to keep learning. Responding instead of reacting isn’t about perfection (is there such a thing?) It’s about progress, curiosity and growth.